I’ve had my fair share of breakdowns. I’ve had times where I’ve sat in the shower, staring up at the razor blades sitting next to the soap. I’ve had mornings where I look at tall buildings and ask myself if it would be tall enough to kill me. Or would I just be crippled. I’ve held bottles of medication, contemplating swallowing the entire contents.
Suicide is a choice. Every day you can choose to end it. Every day you can choose to not end it. Your life is never as bad as you think it is when you’re suicidal though.
When I’m suicidal, I experience apathy. Nothing in the world matters to me. My friends and family will tell me I am important to them. I know I am but that’s not really important to me (as cruel as I know that sounds, being suicidal is selfish in it’s nature).
When I’m suicidal I’m sad but a different kind of sad. The sadness is dull, it doesn’t cut like other sadnesses. The sadness will sit inside you waiting for the right moment to strike.
When it strikes, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. Perhaps you are alone. Around strangers. In a crowded room with all your friends.
The suicidal ideation could sit with you for weeks. You may be planning it. Slowly building up the justifications for why you can take your life.
You may tell yourself lies. “No one will care if I am gone”. “My life doesn’t matter”. “I have nothing to live for”.
It may seem simple. Easy. You will tell yourself it is a release. It’s not. It’s just death. There’s nothing more that suicide can offer you other than finality. It can give you a conclusion to your story. It’s not a happy conclusion either. You’re just gone.
Here’s my advice.
When you get to your peak. I mean, you are experiencing the worse of the worst. Choose to walk away from death. Take the first step away from the danger. Then the next step. Then another. Keep moving until you have enough distance.
Just sit with yourself. Tell yourself you will do it tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, tell yourself the next day and the next day. Procrastinate until you no longer want to do it.
It gets easier, every time to walk away from it. It is easier to tell your mind no. It’s hard living in a mind that wants to kill you but it’s possible. Make the decision that you will never kill yourself and keep living up to that decision every day.